Well, well. We are now on our holiday break - We have two weeks off in total. The last two weeks of work before this break were tricky for me mental health wise, so the details of what I got up to are a bit fuzzy, but as always… there was a lot of joy to be had amidst my brains attempts to derail me… or put me back on the track depending how you look at it (glass half full etc).
I began week 42 with the intention of doing a daily entry for my blog as I did in week 41 (see previous post). When I opened up my website today, I found a week 42 draft which contained just one entry - for that Monday. It was quite hard to read honestly as I was clearly not in the best headspace. I am happy to say that I have now mostly gotten myself out of that funk and am managing to navigate my feelings. I think I just needed time and space. I won’t go in to it too much, but when you take seasonal depression, add on Covid anxiety, plus my usual dash of impostor syndrome and every day anxiety… plus a big old mixed bag of emotions associated with impending change (going home)… I think my brain just went into self defence mode as best it could… which caused me to shut down somewhat and feel lost and numb.
Not the most positive way to start this post haha, but an honest one. I feel it is important to share these parts of my story and be open about mental health… because… Camaraderie… y’know? Haha. Very eloquent Jhess!
Speaking of camaraderie, a silver lining in this pandemic, and a reflection of the culture at the studio is that I have never felt alone in my struggle. A lot of people were struggling this fortnight (and this year) and I was able to have several really nice, honest conversations with my co-workers/ friends about our experiences. Sharing my vulnerability has been a struggle for me in my life, but I have gotten so much better at it, and being in an environment with so much support and openness is such an amazing gift.
But enough of that… Puppets! What on earth was I up to… and what can I divulge? Hmmm.
Week 42 was a bit of a mixed bag of tasks…
I finished off the legs I spoke about in week 41 - the armature I built that needed some fixes and re-registering. I added on the putty to the new bar (the calf). We do this primarily to create another grab point for the animators. Once the legs were registered and sealed once more, I passed them back on to casting and am happy to report everything came out perfectly second time around.
I then spoke with Thalia (Lane, costume fab) about my stitching job on the “super-secret” character. As predicted, she agreed with me that my stitching was not up to par and that it would need to be redone. We took it to George (Hayns, head of puppetry) for another opinion, and George fervently agreed saying very playfully “Your stitching is terrible!”. For those who are fans of drag race, I couldn't help but remix this in my head with Alaska’s song “Your Makeup is Terrible”. The thing about this stitching job, is that while I absolutely knew it wasn’t going to make the cut, I had genuinely given it my best. I didn’t want to skirt around this so was very upfront with George. I told her that this terrible stitching was a reflection of my best effort and though I was sure I could get it right… in time, it could take me 15-20 goes and perhaps that is not the best use of my remaining time. She agreed and asked how I would feel if we passed on the task to someone in costume… I said I would LOVE that. Thalia commented that the task I was attempting was a difficult one even for her and that perhaps they could start me on another costuming job that wasn’t as tricky.
I then did a few casting jobs. The one thing that was new-ish was that I needed to cast silicone in a silicone mould, so I played with different releasing agents. I was advised by one person in casting that vaseline is best in this situation and by another that soapy water is the superior choice. I tried both and both times the cast came out perfectly, so I think the answer is, BOTH are good releasing agents in this scenario.
I then moved on to… I guess you could call them trimmings(?)… for the “super-secret” character. I can’t go in to too much detail here due to my NDA, but I did some quick sculpting in magi-sculpt and putty, made silicone moulds, did resin casts, lots of sanding, cast resin on top of armature pieces which was new. And for these “trimmings” I got good feedback from George so that was a nice little win.
Week 43 saw me launched on a new costume for a background character. I am excited about this and feeling really good about it. Thalia is a wonderful teacher and a patient and generous mentor so it is a real pleasure working with her as my guide. The first part of the process was dying the fabrics… I ran in to a road block when I electrocuted (and killed) the hot plate at the dye station! This was quite funny, and also mortifying! I have been very electrically charged of late. I think it is because my boots have rubber souls, our floors are polished concrete and I scuff my feet when I walk. I continually zap EVERYTHING. As I was boiling water on the hot plate, I zapped it and the whole thing died… kaput! The good news is, one of our costume artists who is working from home had our second hot plate and sent it back to us. I haven’t braved using it yet as I am paranoid I will zap it too!
So in the meantime I moved on to patterning. Thalia mentioned that I would likely end up redoing the same pattern many times. She said she usually does at least 3-5 versions of any pattern so not to be too hard on myself. It has been a good task so far. I have the body of the background character as my tiny mannequin. I would say it is about 15cm tall. I am enjoying making the little costume thus far and predict this task will see me through till the end. Once we go back, I only have four weeks left! Eep!
On our final day of work, we had a very festive day. It was ugly-Christmas-sweater day so everyone was dressed in Christmassy attire. We had lots of treats, which in fact had been a theme all week with people bringing in yummy baked goods etc. And we had our secret Santa presents delivered. Head of animation, Brian Hansen ran around as Santa and was absolutely hysterical! It was a very joyful time. Aaron had brought in his switch and Mario Party so at lunchtime we played video games in the conference room, and then after work we played again and had some drinks (socially distanced ofcourse). That was a definite highlight for me. Lots of fun.
As mentioned, there was a lot of joy to be had amidst my brain melting in my head. Now that we are on break and I have allowed myself to really be in my feelings and am attempting to tidy up the messy closet, untangle the spaghetti, acknowledge the spider (too many analogies!) … I am feeling a lot better. I think the impending change has played a very big part. There have been so many emotions vying for attention, and I had been kind of ignoring all of them, thinking it was too soon to be thinking about it, or maybe just not wanting to think about it. I am now trying to let myself feel them, one at a time (easier said than done).
I am feeling sad about leaving and am absolutely dreading saying goodbye. Zilla told me a great quote from Winnie the Pooh: 'How lucky am I to have something so special, that makes saying goodbye so hard.’ … This really struck a chord and is helping me a lot. I knew coming here that I would learn a lot, and gain some amazing new skills. I could not have predicted how strong and how special my friendships with people would be. But I am so glad to have them. If leaving was easy, it would mean I didn’t have that. So the fact that I am so sad to leave, is actually wonderful. It is a reflection of how wonderful my time here has been.
I am feeling excited about going home. Oddly this was one of the hardest feelings to acknowledge as I somehow felt guilty about it… I think because it is a contradiction of the sad feelings. But now that I am letting myself feel it, I am so anxious to see my friends and family at home, to see my gorgeous pooch and have all the cuddles! Acknowledging this one has helped to ease the weight. I am allowing myself to feel happy about going home.
I will feel a little relieved to get out of the U.S.A. I know that one needs no explanation. There is also guilt and fear that comes along with this… in that I want all of my friends here to be safe!
I am also nervous about going home, as I am starting a new chapter. Though in a familiar place, there will be a lot to figure out in this transition.
On top of all this, I am desperately trying to live in the present, but with only 5 weeks to go till I fly, it is becoming more and more difficult. The countdown is on! I often say things like “that is future Jhess’ problem”. But now I am thinking I need to let present Jhess think about it. I need to let myself feel the worry, the stress, the excitement, the dread. It is a lot…. but ignoring it and bottling it does not do me any good!
So this post turned in to a bit of a self therapy session! If you have read this far, thank you for joining me. I hope that maybe you gained something by reading this, maybe you can relate…
I am looking forward to getting back to work in the new year, and will hopefully keep my wits about me! I am going to give it my PB!
Till next time.